You know, I’m not only trying to grow and become a medical professional, I’m also trying to grow and be the adult woman God intended for me to be. I realize that growth cannot come from a comfortable place. I’ve taken comfort, and even the comfort of others as a solution to my issues, which is not right. This comfort I’m talking about is not speaking up for myself when people disrespect me…mainly MEN. It’s always this “cut him off” mentality and I’ve tried it so many times and always felt helpless and disappointed after. I always argued that I need closure so I could move on and that means telling you what you did to me, whether you’re receptive or not. People have told me that I don’t need it. To just keep going and cut all ties with that person. Okay, I can cut ties, but I’m going to let you know what’s up first.
So here’s what’s up…
In recent events, a guy met me, we hung out (it was a CLEAN hang out too…) but then suddenly wasn’t really talking to me and suggested he’d only see me if we were getting physical and I’d deny him, and he’d avoid me. Come around and try again, I’d deny him, and he’d leave again. This happened a good three times that I can remember.
Communication stopped. A couple days ago he reached out and said he wanted to tell me something and I could see on his face he was struggling to say it, but he did eventually. I think he was beginning to realize how stupid he was. Little did he know, I was about to REALLY make him feel it. He told me he really enjoyed my company and knew he’d seriously like me if we hung out again but since I’m leaving soon, he knew he’d miss me and “what am I supposed to do when you leave?” So therefore spending real time with me wasn’t a good idea, and he only wanted to meet up if we were going to have sex.
Ummm HELLO? WHAT ABOUT ME? I’M THE ONE LEAVING! Men tend to forget that I’m here too, I have a brain, I have feelings…but I’d rather hang out and be clean than be physical and leave feeling empty.
“I don’t want to make you feel empty”
Okay, but look at how you’ve been treating me lately. It “makes sense”. I’m leaving soon so why become attached or start a relationship? But I’ll be honest and say that’s a jack ass move, and it was not right. So think REALLY HARD as to how a woman may feel after that? You don’t know? Well I told him how I felt and this is exactly what I said…
“I’m no whore, but the other day you really made me feel like one.”
What do you mean how? I said, “if that’s all you’re asking from me, what does that make me???”
THINK! I really don’t believe men take the time to THINK about their actions. I don’t want to hear your argument on this one.
Back to me though…that’s just ONE example, and that’s not the first time a man made me feel that way. I just never spoke up about it. I never held ANY of them accountable for that. In the past, when faced with a guy who acted a certain way that disrespected me, I hinted, but as direct as I was this time, I never was before. We’d stop talking and I’d never feel right about it. And many would tell me I didn’t need to tell him how I felt. We've all adopted this mentality that we don't have to be direct and talk about things. We can speak up about not being fair at work or how people are not being fair when it comes to race, sexuality, amongst other things but as women dealing with men, we have to shut up and move on. But I’m glad I was more direct this time and thankfully I was HEARD. That made all the difference.