A moment of transparency...

I’ve had several conversations with certain people who are closest to me concerning the things that worry me, keep me up at night, make my palms and feet sweat. I’m in this space where I’m climbing out of a hole called failure, a hole that can be several feet deep, or maybe not so much depending on the person and the circumstance. But for me this hole was DEEP and emerging from it, well, I’m just now starting to see some light. The hole isn’t so dark anymore. That’s a good thing right?

It is. I’m making progress. But it doesn’t stop there and since it does not, since I understand there is still an immense amount of work to do before I myself am satisfied with my success, I am always on edge. I’m always worrying that I’m not doing enough. I worry that I will fail again with no way of redeeming myself. I worry that I have nothing to vouch for the most recent 6 years of my life. I worry that what I am doing just might be a waste.

Worry, worry, worry.

So with time all this worry in my head seeped out and became visible (to me at least). Jiggling my leg while sitting or lying down. Being restless. Pulling on my hair (if you haven’t noticed, my hair has remained the same length for almost two years) and snapping the ends off. Stress eating. Staring off into space for endless amounts of time. Being scatter-brained and not being able to focus on one thing.

But back to what I was saying about talking about this with certain people. They’ve all said the same thing: “you look like you’ve got it all together”. And that’s nice and all, and it makes me feel good, I don’t want people to worry about me, but the truth of the matter is that I don’t. I do NOT have it all together. More than half the time I’m an inch away from breaking down.

I’m not diagnosed with an anxiety disorder or anything but I do realize I feel anxious more often than I should. And I know I’m not the only one. I’m pretty sure there are plenty of other 20-somethings out there dealing with the same issues, maybe worse, maybe less. But that’s why I started blogging things. I know that I’m reaching at least ONE person out there. Whoever you are, I’m right there with you. More often than not, the journey to success is left out. The tears, the sweat, the hours of studying and not understanding those sentences you just read…no one wants to include that. We just document when we’ve reached THE END and all the celebrating that comes with it. No one knows what it takes and I think that’s why a lot of people back out of certain challenges because they walk into it totally blind, not understanding that it costs many things to be successful. But if you knew that the feelings were only temporary, that you’d get through it if you persevered, you’d continue and finish.

So that’s where I’m at. I’m aware of how anxious I can get, but I know I will be just fine. So I continue. It’s painful, but I continue. I’m tired, but I continue. I’m alive, so I continue.

Five months...

I have been thinking…

Not about just one thing, but a lot of thoughts have crossed my mind; some I labored over and others I sent away because they weighed too heavily on me, or they just were not important and could be dealt with another day. But five months is a long time to be thinking of things, at least, that is how long it’s been since I last posted anything on my own blog. I have had two guest blog entries for the Daily Medicine, and thank you Ashley Roxanne for having me and keeping in touch all the time.

I have been thinking a lot about my life and why things worked the way they did and why things didn’t work the way I wanted them to. Anyone who has a goal to pursue would do this, in my opinion, and if you aren’t then I don’t believe you’re going about your intended success the right way. I’m not saying you should labor over the things you did wrong, because you may never move forward and that’s a bad thing. But understanding what you did wrong and trying to learn from that, that is how we should strive to live, learn, progress…

One thing I can’t help but thinking of is how I haven’t been able to finish anything in the past three years. When I say anything, I mean anything truly important to me such as school, reading, writing, working out…things that I set goals with every intention to finish, but fell short in some way shape or form. I’m 25 and struggling to complete the first half of my new endeavors; what’s old will be talked about some other time…for fear of “laboring over the things I did wrong and not moving forward”. But yesterday, July 3^rd, 2016, I finally finished something…a book! Now, to be honest, I’ve finished [reading] four other ones this year alone, but none of them had the impact that I feel now that I’ve finished this particular one. I wanted to read “When Breath Becomes Air” by Paul Kalanithi and when it finally reached me through the library system, I picked it up and pushed to finish. It was not a hard read at all, Kalanithi’s words kept me going and I admired everything. I think it is because Kalanithi reached a point in his life that I am struggling to reach: to become a doctor. I admire all doctors, especially the ones I know personally in life. I appreciate everything they have to say. The road isn’t easy and there are plenty of bumps along the way, I for one can tell you that and have YET to reach the end of the road.

However disappointed I may be in myself a lot of times, Kalanithi mentioned something that I (and you as well) should remember: “You can’t ever reach perfection, but you can believe in an asymptote toward which you are ceaselessly striving.” For those who don’t remember asymptotes from math class…your line never reaches a definite distance, you just keep getting closer and closer, but never actually touch it.

PROGRESS, NOT PERFECTION.

This is true, because while some of us think that we’ve succeeded in life, or think that we are “perfectionists”, there will always be something for you to work on to get better at. You may be perfect at solving math problems, but your attitude sucks. You may be someone who cleans their house very well, but can’t fathom to hold a decent conversation with someone you just met. There are many examples we could come up with, but the point is: there is something you need to work on in your life. I’m fully aware of my shortcomings and I have constant reminders, especially when I slack off the slightest bit. But I’m trying, I really am. I’m determined to beat my shortcomings…or die trying.

The "bad" feelings we get

For those of us who work and go to school, or just work or just go to school, we understand that these two things, work and school, are going to provide stress at some point. Some of us experience it everyday, some maybe twice a week...some even thrive and NEED stress so that they can keep moving.

But at some point, the stress may become too much. A lot of times, when the stress becomes too much, our emotions take over. We're angry, we're sad, we're irritable, we're unreasonable. We get these "bad" feelings and we absolutely refuse to acknowledge them. We hide them, put them away, whatever it takes to get through the day and accomplish what needs to be accomplished and for the most part, it works.

What happens when it doesn't work?
What happens when you've reached the maximum capacity of bad feelings stored away?
You snap.
You have a melt down.
You cry for the smallest thing and think the world is about to end for you.

And who knows how long it will take for you to recover from that? I'm not going to say that you must always let yourself cry when your day is going sour for you, absolutely not. For the most part, yes, you need to build some tough skin so that you don't break down at the smallest things. But you do need to find an outlet to release your stress.

And I'm not talking about ranting on twitter or facebook or snapchat (which I too am guilty of). I tend to forget that there are people on my side when it feels like no one is. I forget that I have access to a gym where I can run and lift weights and release the toxins in my body, which will make me feel better. I forget that I can go for a walk around my neighborhood if I don't feel like going to the gym. I forget that I believe in God and that I should be praying at ALL TIMES and not just when bad things are happening.

So in conclusion, I just want to tell you all, on this lovely Wednesday morning that the bad feelings we get are not entirely bad, it's okay to feel that way. But it's what you DO with it that counts. I was feeling horrible yesterday and I still do today to some extent but I prayed about it, I did my hair, put on some makeup, and dressed nicely for the ONE class I have today and that makes all the difference.

How do you cheer yourself up? How do you deal with the bad feelings you get?