Friday, October 14, 2016

A moment of transparency...

I’ve had several conversations with certain people who are closest to me concerning the things that worry me, keep me up at night, make my palms and feet sweat. I’m in this space where I’m climbing out of a hole called failure, a hole that can be several feet deep, or maybe not so much depending on the person and the circumstance. But for me this hole was DEEP and emerging from it, well, I’m just now starting to see some light. The hole isn’t so dark anymore. That’s a good thing right?
It is. I’m making progress. But it doesn’t stop there and since it does not, since I understand there is still an immense amount of work to do before I myself am satisfied with my success, I am always on edge. I’m always worrying that I’m not doing enough. I worry that I will fail again with no way of redeeming myself. I worry that I have nothing to vouch for the most recent 6 years of my life. I worry that what I am doing just might be a waste.

Worry, worry, worry.
So with time all this worry in my head seeped out and became visible (to me at least). Jiggling my leg while sitting or lying down. Being restless. Pulling on my hair (if you haven’t noticed, my hair has remained the same length for almost two years) and snapping the ends off. Stress eating. Staring off into space for endless amounts of time. Being scatter-brained and not being able to focus on one thing.
But back to what I was saying about talking about this with certain people. They’ve all said the same thing: “you look like you’ve got it all together”. And that’s nice and all, and it makes me feel good, I don’t want people to worry about me, but the truth of the matter is that I don’t. I do NOT have it all together. More than half the time I’m an inch away from breaking down.

I’m not diagnosed with an anxiety disorder or anything but I do realize I feel anxious more often than I should. And I know I’m not the only one. I’m pretty sure there are plenty of other 20-somethings out there dealing with the same issues, maybe worse, maybe less. But that’s why I started blogging things. I know that I’m reaching at least ONE person out there. Whoever you are, I’m right there with you. More often than not, the journey to success is left out. The tears, the sweat, the hours of studying and not understanding those sentences you just read…no one wants to include that. We just document when we’ve reached THE END and all the celebrating that comes with it. No one knows what it takes and I think that’s why a lot of people back out of certain challenges because they walk into it totally blind, not understanding that it costs many things to be successful. But if you knew that the feelings were only temporary, that you’d get through it if you persevered, you’d continue and finish.


So that’s where I’m at. I’m aware of how anxious I can get, but I know I will be just fine. So I continue. It’s painful, but I continue. I’m tired, but I continue. I’m alive, so I continue.

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