Hi everyone 😬😬😬 (we can add emojis?! I'm blown...)
It has been quite some time since I last posted anything but at one point I thought I'd be giving up the whole blogging aspect because I did NOT have things figured out, I was overwhelmed with school, and imposter syndrome has its way of eating up your confidence in medical school so I stopped. I didn't think I was the one to show you what medical school is like because I was having a hard time with it. I didn't think any perspective should come from me. So I hid. Only those close to me really know what has happened these past two years. However, this pandemic has brought on a lot of pre-med and medical students together and I've come in contact with some pretty awesome women who are pursuing the same goals. I've come to realize that I am not the only one who doesn't have it all figured out. I'm not the only one who has struggled or is struggling. I'm not the only one who is doing it all SCARED. What social media has done to us is paint a picture that is total CRAP. This medical school life is not cute. It is hard. It isn't all iced coffee and Macbooks and iPad pro's with First Aid or Pathoma review books carefully placed on clean desks with all the awesome MUJI pens and whatever else. It isn't all smiles in Figs scrubs (no shade, I have a pair!) after anatomy lab looking like you still smell like your favorite perfume you put on earlier...
All of that is CUTE and gets you "likes" on instagram...but the truth is:
It's your hair smelling like formaldehyde and dead people.
It's dead people fluids that spilled off the table onto your shoes, so now your socks and shoes smell like formaldehyde and dead people.
It's over caffeinating yourself because you have a whole 8 hours of class and then you have to study after that so by noon, you're shaking and you aren't sure if its because you had too much caffeine or your body is going through withdrawal because you now "want" more.
It's late nights, or early mornings, depending if you're a morning person or a night owl.
(It's both sometimes, FYI...)
It's trial and error. You have to figure out what study method works for YOU. It's overwhelming hearing and trying out all the different methods you hear are working for others only to see it isn't helping you at all. (Yes plenty medical students use ANKI decks and swear by it but when I tell you I wasted valuable time on it and my grades suffered...well...)
It's studying and then meeting your professor during his office hours to review material, thinking you got the info on lock, but instead, your professor hands you your ass within a few seconds.
It's A LOT of takeout because I have no energy to stand up in nobody's kitchen to cook a meal most days...and then eating those leftovers for breakfast. (how are you all MEAL PREPPING for a whole week?!)
It's A LOT of doubting yourself because you're seeing your classmates put up a big front like everything is going well for them when ultimately they are struggling in one way or another JUST. LIKE. YOU.
All of that is just scratching the surface. Everyone will have their own experience, and that is just a little of mine off the top of my head. I know you all see me walking the beach often but trust me, I do that to hopefully cut off an impending anxiety attack. Lots of times I'm walking and holding back tears, praying and asking God to take those feelings away from me. But if there is one thing I'm learning its this:
Everything that you go through on this journey is necessary to make you strong.
So to my incoming M1s...don't let these people fool you into thinking you're not enough. I promise you, I've been there. I'm unlearning all these negative behaviors I had and developed over time. I'm learning to go my own pace and learn the material how I KNOW BEST to learn. I'm learning that medical school is a MARATHON, not a race. It's learning how to fail UP; no matter how many times you fall short.
Keep up the good fight. I'm rooting for you.
