science and progress.

Hi everyone 😬😬😬 (we can add emojis?! I'm blown...)

It has been quite some time since I last posted anything but at one point I thought I'd be giving up the whole blogging aspect because I did NOT have things figured out, I was overwhelmed with school, and imposter syndrome has its way of eating up your confidence in medical school so I stopped. I didn't think I was the one to show you what medical school is like because I was having a hard time with it. I didn't think any perspective should come from me. So I hid. Only those close to me really know what has happened these past two years. However, this pandemic has brought on a lot of pre-med and medical students together and I've come in contact with some pretty awesome women who are pursuing the same goals. I've come to realize that I am not the only one who doesn't have it all figured out. I'm not the only one who has struggled or is struggling. I'm not the only one who is doing it all SCARED. What social media has done to us is paint a picture that is total CRAP. This medical school life is not cute. It is hard. It isn't all iced coffee and Macbooks and iPad pro's with First Aid or Pathoma review books carefully placed on clean desks with all the awesome MUJI pens and whatever else. It isn't all smiles in Figs scrubs (no shade, I have a pair!) after anatomy lab looking like you still smell like your favorite perfume you put on earlier...

All of that is CUTE and gets you "likes" on instagram...but the truth is:

It's your hair smelling like formaldehyde and dead people.

It's dead people fluids that spilled off the table onto your shoes, so now your socks and shoes smell like formaldehyde and dead people.

It's over caffeinating yourself because you have a whole 8 hours of class and then you have to study after that so by noon, you're shaking and you aren't sure if its because you had too much caffeine or your body is going through withdrawal because you now "want" more.

It's late nights, or early mornings, depending if you're a morning person or a night owl.

(It's both sometimes, FYI...)

It's trial and error. You have to figure out what study method works for YOU. It's overwhelming hearing and trying out all the different methods you hear are working for others only to see it isn't helping you at all. (Yes plenty medical students use ANKI decks and swear by it but when I tell you I wasted valuable time on it and my grades suffered...well...)

It's studying and then meeting your professor during his office hours to review material, thinking you got the info on lock, but instead, your professor hands you your ass within a few seconds. 

It's A LOT of takeout because I have no energy to stand up in nobody's kitchen to cook a meal most days...and then eating those leftovers for breakfast. (how are you all MEAL PREPPING for a whole week?!)

It's A LOT of doubting yourself because you're seeing your classmates put up a big front like everything is going well for them when ultimately they are struggling in one way or another JUST. LIKE. YOU.

All of that is just scratching the surface. Everyone will have their own experience, and that is just a little of mine off the top of my head. I know you all see me walking the beach often but trust me, I do that to hopefully cut off an impending anxiety attack. Lots of times I'm walking and holding back tears, praying and asking God to take those feelings away from me. But if there is one thing I'm learning its this:

Everything that you go through on this journey is necessary to make you strong.

So to my incoming M1s...don't let these people fool you into thinking you're not enough. I promise you, I've been there. I'm unlearning all these negative behaviors I had and developed over time. I'm learning to go my own pace and learn the material how I KNOW BEST to learn. I'm learning that medical school is a MARATHON, not a race. It's learning how to fail UP; no matter how many times you fall short. 

Keep up the good fight. I'm rooting for you.

Why don't you have children? -a rant

Look here…

I’m 27 years old. I’m single. I do not have kids.

That doesn’t mean I don’t want any, that just means right now is not the time. How could it be “the time”? I’m also a non-traditional pre-med student studying for the MCAT and finishing pre-requisites.

Now…is not…the time.

And while I very much love my very smart and funny nephew and niece, and the one that’s on the way that I don’t know the gender yet, I don’t think that is enough for me to have one or two of my own right now.

Earlier on in the summer, a young man asked me, “Mel, how old are you?”

and I said (at the time) “26”. He then asked, “well, when are you trying to have kids?”

I told him not right now. Because now is not the time. Another young man asked me yesterday if I had children and I said no and then he asked me “why not?”

Why don’t I, at 27 years old, have children? 

Well…

Why do I have to have a reason for not having any children at 27 years old? Don’t you know what it takes to have children? I’m not talking about sex and being pregnant for 9 months. I’m talking about life after the baby takes that first breath. 

Let’s turn the tables and ask you, at whatever age you are…? Why DO you have kids?

His response was that life happened and blah blah blah..

Okay, so “life” hasn’t happened to me yet. That’s it. Or “MY life” is happening and I have something that is more pressing for me to do right now than have a baby…

I want to become a DOCTOR. If I end up doing something else, whatever it is, I want to be successful in MY eyes and right now that does not include having a child.

ouch.

And while I have the time, while I don’t have anyone dependent on me, why not work to accomplish that? That is my baby. My education, my career goals…those are my babies. They are taxing, they require all of my strength, my courage, my will, my emotions, my beloved sleep, my sanity. My time. They will take some years to grow and become what I dreamed them to be. How about asking me that? What do I want to do with my life aside from have children? 

Very few men ask women my age that kind of question. Or maybe it’s…very few men ask me that kind of question…just so that I’m speaking for myself here.

And to all the mothers out there who accomplished their goals and took care of their children at the end of the day, you have all the applause from me. I can’t fathom doing it, I don’t know how you all did it and I suppose I’d figure out a way if it came down to it, but since that is not my case, then…*Kanye shrug*

I’m 27 years old. I’m single. I do not have kids.

Sure I’d like to have children of my own someday. But that is all my decision as far as when for the most part. There’s so much else I could say but this is a rant and I wrote everything as it came to mind so that it could be in its purest form…so that my sentiments could be felt. There’s nothing wrong with having children, everyone. But I shouldn’t have to justify why I don’t have any right now. 

*blows dust*...

...*coughs*

This is becoming a trend and I'm sorry.

I post a new blog entry and then months pass before the next one comes.

The beginning of this year just wasn’t the time for blogging. Neither was the end of the last.

I’ll tell you why…

Instead of experiencing “life” and finding cool adult things to blog about as I was doing before, I was developing heavy anxiety and slight depression. School and work were no longer working out together. NOTHING was working out. I became a nervous wreck. I was so bent on being superwoman and making everything work that I couldn’t think straight. I cried often. I told my guy that I couldn’t see him because I was crying all the time. Why?

I didn’t want him to see me crying all day. I didn’t want anyone to see me crying, period.

Who wants to read sad blog posts? I couldn’t give that kind of material to those who actually read this thing. I debated it though…I wanted to document my feelings. I thought maybe if I shared what I was experiencing I’d reach somebody somewhere out there and…

I didn’t write a damn thing.

I couldn't write anything. Not much really. And then I'd see everything on paper and not want to see it anymore so I deleted them. My trash can is FULL of unfinished word documents. I was already feeling bad about work and school and then not being able to write like I used to...like this was worse than writer's block.

Late July I started to feel myself again. I had less crying spells. I realized I was significantly thinner than I was at the beginning of the summer. I went to see “him”. I read and finished Shonda Rhimes' Year of Yes! and one part stuck out to me...

"If I am succeeding at one, I am inevitably failing at the other."

and then something else stuck out to me...

"...ANYONE WHO TELLS YOU THEY ARE DOING IT ALL PERFECTLY IS A LIAR."

Because its true. We can't do it ALL. I can attest to that. I tried, and this time everything failed.

And so I've finally come to terms with that. It stings a little bit here and there but I surely don't cry randomly anymore. I'm much more at ease these days. I learned that because things don't work out, its not the end of the world BUT that doesn't mean you won't feel it. If you do feel it, give yourself enough time to let the feelings pass. They will pass but you have to be patient. I didn't know when that time would come for me but I just celebrated a birthday on the 15th and it was great. I wasn't worried about anything; just spent quality time with friends.

So that concludes it, I guess. I can see my progress and it's encouraging. I plan to keep this blogging thing going too; next, I’ll have to blog about my stay in Seattle.

But until then…that’s all folks!

Checking in!

Never have I ever thought that switching jobs would be this HARD.
I chose to apply to become a medical scribe because my current job was frustrating in a lot of ways, and it wasn't medical related. I wanted something I could build my previous medical skills on, learn new things, and be of some help to people. So I got a call back and scheduled an interview.
Interview was scheduled for a Tuesday. Killed the interview. Interviewer was impressed. He asked me when I could start training and I foolishly said, "Thursday"...

Okay...I will say this. Now that I'm through with what I went through for training, I can see I'll enjoy my job. But for any of you wanting to become a medical scribe...beware of WHEN you choose to apply and start training. There is so much required of you and if you're taking heavy courses you will hurt yourself in the long run. Who knows...some of you may be able to handle the pressure. But I couldn't for the most part. I forfeited an enjoyable spring break to make sure I didn't fail my daily quizzes (I failed one miserably...like I got a 9/30) and ultimately the final exam that I had to get 80% on or else I'd be terminated.

Folding my paper in half helped memorize a lot of the terms I needed to know.

Some of the pathophysiology info I had to learn

 I was basically cramming medical terminology, pathophysiology, and pharmacology in seven days. Then, if and only if we passed the final exam, we had what they call "T-sheet training where you learn how to document patient encounters on paper.

Add that to Organic Chem. II, Physics I, and an actual Medical Terminology course online for school. To be honest, I couldn't prioritize anything. Everything was important. I missed my first three assignments for medical terminology and its by God's grace that my professor didn't drop me for not "showing up". I became so scatter brained that even though I was writing things in my planner...I eventually stopped because I was overwhelmed (which was a bad thing to do), which in turn made me more overwhelmed because I forgot things I needed to do and wouldn't remember until the day before it was due...

So I've had a rough three weeks or so at the very least. Being a scribe gives you all kinds of exposure in the medical field that you can't get anywhere else, but it comes at a cost. You have to work for it. I actually can only speak for my company, which I'll keep nameless for now...forever really. Some people in my training class didn't pass the exam and they had more days than I did to train. My manager called me personally to congratulate me for overcoming that and I still haven't taken that to heart because, to me, I'm not fully cleared at the moment. I still need to do well for floor training starting tomorrow night (right before a physics exam btw...but no pressure, right?).

But thank God for bringing me through so far. Thank God for friends and family who let me gripe about things. The whole struggle was doable because I have people who let me know that I was not alone, even though I felt that way very often. I felt that people really don't understand what I go through and think I'm being momentarily weak, but I'm not. Part of it is due to not taking care of myself properly. If I told you how I've been feeling lately you'd be quite concerned. I say this all the time, I only want you to understand how I feel, not tell me how to fix it or fix it for me. Not everyone understands that, but those that do are the ones you hold on to. "Let me know what I can do to help you" is a very well appreciated thing to say to someone who's dealing with a lot. Just listening is appreciated too!

So that's all I've got for you. That's why I haven't blogged in so long, and resorted to writing little things on my IG captions! Once everything slows down I can hopefully do more with this thing. I don't want to give it up!

A moment of transparency...

I’ve had several conversations with certain people who are closest to me concerning the things that worry me, keep me up at night, make my palms and feet sweat. I’m in this space where I’m climbing out of a hole called failure, a hole that can be several feet deep, or maybe not so much depending on the person and the circumstance. But for me this hole was DEEP and emerging from it, well, I’m just now starting to see some light. The hole isn’t so dark anymore. That’s a good thing right?

It is. I’m making progress. But it doesn’t stop there and since it does not, since I understand there is still an immense amount of work to do before I myself am satisfied with my success, I am always on edge. I’m always worrying that I’m not doing enough. I worry that I will fail again with no way of redeeming myself. I worry that I have nothing to vouch for the most recent 6 years of my life. I worry that what I am doing just might be a waste.

Worry, worry, worry.

So with time all this worry in my head seeped out and became visible (to me at least). Jiggling my leg while sitting or lying down. Being restless. Pulling on my hair (if you haven’t noticed, my hair has remained the same length for almost two years) and snapping the ends off. Stress eating. Staring off into space for endless amounts of time. Being scatter-brained and not being able to focus on one thing.

But back to what I was saying about talking about this with certain people. They’ve all said the same thing: “you look like you’ve got it all together”. And that’s nice and all, and it makes me feel good, I don’t want people to worry about me, but the truth of the matter is that I don’t. I do NOT have it all together. More than half the time I’m an inch away from breaking down.

I’m not diagnosed with an anxiety disorder or anything but I do realize I feel anxious more often than I should. And I know I’m not the only one. I’m pretty sure there are plenty of other 20-somethings out there dealing with the same issues, maybe worse, maybe less. But that’s why I started blogging things. I know that I’m reaching at least ONE person out there. Whoever you are, I’m right there with you. More often than not, the journey to success is left out. The tears, the sweat, the hours of studying and not understanding those sentences you just read…no one wants to include that. We just document when we’ve reached THE END and all the celebrating that comes with it. No one knows what it takes and I think that’s why a lot of people back out of certain challenges because they walk into it totally blind, not understanding that it costs many things to be successful. But if you knew that the feelings were only temporary, that you’d get through it if you persevered, you’d continue and finish.

So that’s where I’m at. I’m aware of how anxious I can get, but I know I will be just fine. So I continue. It’s painful, but I continue. I’m tired, but I continue. I’m alive, so I continue.

Five months...

I have been thinking…

Not about just one thing, but a lot of thoughts have crossed my mind; some I labored over and others I sent away because they weighed too heavily on me, or they just were not important and could be dealt with another day. But five months is a long time to be thinking of things, at least, that is how long it’s been since I last posted anything on my own blog. I have had two guest blog entries for the Daily Medicine, and thank you Ashley Roxanne for having me and keeping in touch all the time.

I have been thinking a lot about my life and why things worked the way they did and why things didn’t work the way I wanted them to. Anyone who has a goal to pursue would do this, in my opinion, and if you aren’t then I don’t believe you’re going about your intended success the right way. I’m not saying you should labor over the things you did wrong, because you may never move forward and that’s a bad thing. But understanding what you did wrong and trying to learn from that, that is how we should strive to live, learn, progress…

One thing I can’t help but thinking of is how I haven’t been able to finish anything in the past three years. When I say anything, I mean anything truly important to me such as school, reading, writing, working out…things that I set goals with every intention to finish, but fell short in some way shape or form. I’m 25 and struggling to complete the first half of my new endeavors; what’s old will be talked about some other time…for fear of “laboring over the things I did wrong and not moving forward”. But yesterday, July 3^rd, 2016, I finally finished something…a book! Now, to be honest, I’ve finished [reading] four other ones this year alone, but none of them had the impact that I feel now that I’ve finished this particular one. I wanted to read “When Breath Becomes Air” by Paul Kalanithi and when it finally reached me through the library system, I picked it up and pushed to finish. It was not a hard read at all, Kalanithi’s words kept me going and I admired everything. I think it is because Kalanithi reached a point in his life that I am struggling to reach: to become a doctor. I admire all doctors, especially the ones I know personally in life. I appreciate everything they have to say. The road isn’t easy and there are plenty of bumps along the way, I for one can tell you that and have YET to reach the end of the road.

However disappointed I may be in myself a lot of times, Kalanithi mentioned something that I (and you as well) should remember: “You can’t ever reach perfection, but you can believe in an asymptote toward which you are ceaselessly striving.” For those who don’t remember asymptotes from math class…your line never reaches a definite distance, you just keep getting closer and closer, but never actually touch it.

PROGRESS, NOT PERFECTION.

This is true, because while some of us think that we’ve succeeded in life, or think that we are “perfectionists”, there will always be something for you to work on to get better at. You may be perfect at solving math problems, but your attitude sucks. You may be someone who cleans their house very well, but can’t fathom to hold a decent conversation with someone you just met. There are many examples we could come up with, but the point is: there is something you need to work on in your life. I’m fully aware of my shortcomings and I have constant reminders, especially when I slack off the slightest bit. But I’m trying, I really am. I’m determined to beat my shortcomings…or die trying.