I’ve had several conversations with certain people who are
closest to me concerning the things that worry me, keep me up at night, make my
palms and feet sweat. I’m in this space where I’m climbing out of a hole called
failure, a hole that can be several
feet deep, or maybe not so much depending on the person and the circumstance. But
for me this hole was DEEP and
emerging from it, well, I’m just now starting to see some light. The hole isn’t
so dark anymore. That’s a good thing right?
It is. I’m making progress. But it doesn’t stop there and
since it does not, since I understand there is still an immense amount of work
to do before I myself am satisfied with my success, I am always on edge. I’m
always worrying that I’m not doing enough. I worry that I will fail again with
no way of redeeming myself. I worry that I have nothing to vouch for the most recent
6 years of my life. I worry that what I am doing just might be a waste.
Worry, worry, worry.
So with time all this worry in my head seeped out and became
visible (to me at least). Jiggling my leg while sitting or lying down. Being restless.
Pulling on my hair (if you haven’t noticed, my hair has remained the same
length for almost two years) and snapping the ends off. Stress eating. Staring off
into space for endless amounts of time. Being scatter-brained and not being able to focus on one thing.
But back to what I was saying about talking about this with
certain people. They’ve all said the same thing: “you look like you’ve got it
all together”. And that’s nice and all, and it makes me feel good, I don’t want
people to worry about me, but the truth of the matter is that I don’t. I do NOT
have it all together. More than half the time I’m an inch away from breaking
down.
I’m not diagnosed with an anxiety disorder or anything but I
do realize I feel anxious more often than I should. And I know I’m not the only
one. I’m pretty sure there are plenty of other 20-somethings out there dealing
with the same issues, maybe worse, maybe less. But that’s why I started
blogging things. I know that I’m reaching at least ONE person out there. Whoever
you are, I’m right there with you. More often than not, the journey to success
is left out. The tears, the sweat, the hours of studying and not understanding
those sentences you just read…no one wants to include that. We just document
when we’ve reached THE END and all the celebrating that comes with it. No one
knows what it takes and I think that’s why a lot of people back out of certain
challenges because they walk into it totally blind, not understanding that it
costs many things to be successful. But if you knew that the feelings were only
temporary, that you’d get through it if you persevered, you’d continue and
finish.
So that’s where I’m at. I’m aware of how anxious I can get,
but I know I will be just fine. So I continue. It’s painful, but I continue. I’m
tired, but I continue. I’m alive, so I continue.
